I Want To Die

Let me rephrase. I FEEL like I want to die. I don’t think I actually do, though. I think that one of my meds is making my brain turn against me, which means I need to get rid of that medicine.

I am not normally a happy person. I’m a realist; I say what’s on my mind, usually the truth no one wants to hear.

Right now, though, I’m feeling very much like a fatalist.

I’ve been feeling Off for the past couple of weeks, and I’ve had two days so far where everything is TOO MUCH to deal with, and every worry I could ever have comes to the surface and ends with me sobbing all day through work.

Today is one of those days.

I’ve been crying over my dog (what happens to me if I die, and vice versa), my job (which is kind of in danger and I have absolutely no marketable skills other than selling booze), where I’m going to live in the future, getting a house with a yard for my dog….Pretty much everything.

My anxiety is through the roof right now and I have LOST my anti-anxiety meds. Yes, LOST a brand new prescription, which means I’ll have to go see my doctor to get a new prescription. Normally, that’s no problem, but I have anxiety about DRIVING as well, and my doctor isn’t in town, but 15 miles away, which is approximately a 30 minute drive (on back roads, because I cannot drive the highway with this anxiety). So I’m freaking out about that, too. So no meds to take care of that which is being caused by another med until I can get to the place that can give me meds. Make sense?

So I have to wait a few more days to get this taken care of. I had a buddy help me out with some Ativan, and that started to make me feel normal, for about 3 days. But I can’t ask someone else with anxiety to give up their meds for me, not when they need them as well.

I just have to wait, and hope that I can make it through these few days, hope that I can stop bawling over my dog, the future, nothing, everything, and hope that I can stop being afraid of all of this stuff.

This is what is happening with me right now. I am aware, I [mostly] KNOW what is wrong right now. But that doesn’t make it any better. I’m trying to breathe and get through this, and there are people who have offered their emotional support, and I am so so SO blessed (yes, blessed) to have these people in my corner.

So thanks for understanding what’s going on with me. If you don’t see much from me, this is why.


Check It Out, I Actually GO OUTSIDE

As the title states, I actually go outside ( and when it’s bright as hell, I do wear giant black sunglasses over my glasses, so?) and give an update while walking my dog. It’s in this that I briefly speak about my [new] diagnosis.


When The Fog Rolls In…The Terror Begins #TBT

I can’t bear to go back and watch this mess again. I remember just being absolutely out of it and rambling. There’s a seed or two here and there, I’m sure, that will pop up again, but I just recently had the realization that this nonsensical babbling is a symptom of the actual problem, which I only figured out this spring/summer.

This was how I spent a good chunk of my days: out of it, tripping over my tongue, brain just unable to give me the information I needed. I did a really horrible job being a manager. By doing nothing, I passed the torch, thereby causing a whole passel of trouble. But I really had no idea what was going on. I just thought I was really, really depressed for some reason, and maybe just needed my meds adjusted. Well, I was, and I did. But that wasn’t all.

[Not] Only The Shadow Knows [I’m Fat] #TBT 2015

So hey, guys. I’m not sure if you know, I’m I am fat. I am a fat fat fatty fat fat. I’ve been pudgy since I was 7 or so, 2nd grade. Not sure what switch flipped, because I was a cute little kid, skinny as a rail.

Maybe it was all that depression from [currently redacted] and emotional and stress eating bc the parents did nothing but fight. Hm.


Well, anyway, I KNOW I’m fat. I’m ME. I’m INSIDE here. And guess what? All the diet plans in the world, all the pills in the world, all the exercise in the world…NONE OF IT WORKS FOR ME.

But the physicians I’ve been going to see me and immediately think I need to drop 50-60 pounds and I would be Healthy AF.

Being at 250 for most of my life, once close to 270, also once close to 200 even, I understand that I would be healthier if I could drop some weight.


I have been one of the most active fat people I know. I’ve taken dance classes, yoga, I stage managed for a million years, I’ve crewed hundreds of theatre shows, running with swords backstage, down stairs, up stairs…

But all that weight HAS caused some problems in my feet. I have stress fractures (among other really bad things) in both feet, and a good chunk of my day is spent wincing from the walking-on-broken-glass pain.


So yeah. I’m 225-230, I’m constantly on the move, but constantly exhausted, AND am also constantly in pain. So walking my dog is a killer, and I would love to be able to go for a distance without nearly crying from pain. Yoga is done while I’m in bed, because I’ve got torn tendons and ligaments in my right foot at the moment. On an average day, I walk 5 miles: at work, and also while walking the dog. I’m also lifting at work, and my dog pulls, so there’s resistance training involved, too.

But my last doctor and dietician (omg HA) wanted me to get my heart rate up an hour per day and keep moving, even inside, and (OF COURSE) do YOGA because YOGA CURES EVERYTHING.


<YO. I didn’t draw those (check the artist, Gemma Correll).>


It’s currently 2017. It took me 2 years to realize weight bias was a thing. But it definitely is. It’s been the first thing with the last three doctors I’ve been with. Put me on Contrave, which was a very expensive, but amazing product, that kinda screwed me over once I couldn’t afford it anymore. Then, after Contrave, the next doc gave me Phentermine, which did nothing but send me on a sugar binge that I’m just now coming out of, and make me talk really fast and really loud, and crash at the end of the day.

My last doctor recommended yoga. For everything. Pain management, gut issues, migraines, cramps, drought, acne, my GOD someone write a PAPER.

Oh wait. There are literally MILLIONS of books stating how good yoga is for your body, not to mention your mind. I believe it. I’ve been there. I’ve been STUCK in the very first pose before. Have I mentioned my injured feet, the DDD in my back, the arthritis in my spine? I can’t always move. And when I DO move, I’m always moving. And I’m not sure how, because I’m ALWAYS exhausted…

Well, most of the time. I’m currently experiencing a renaissance of sorts. One of many things happening to me right now is that I feel like a normal human being. Which is not correct, because rarely do I ever feel that way. That might be the Abilify kicking in, filling in empty spots in my brain. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice. I’m getting tons of stuff done. But I’m also waking up before dawn like I’m a person who does that, which I am not, and does stuff. Like, I’m wide awake. For instance, I was wide awake at 3:45 this morning and I painted my nails in the dark. And it looks like I was painting my nails in the dark at 3:45 am.

I also joined the #5AmWritersClub on Twitter on Monday morning. I actually edited and rewrote parts of a story I’ve been working on for a few years. I’m cleaning things, I’m organizing things…

I feel KIND of like the Oldish Me, but like…on LSD and Steroids. Way too loud and cheerful. I’m wondering if this is just another personality that’s trying to pop out. I don’t have time for that. There’s no room left.

Anyway, when I’m not exhausted and in bed all the time, the pendulum swings for the highest high. There are rarely any happy mediums. Plenty of grumpy ones, but not many happy ones.  So I’m going to enjoy what I’ve got, and maybe I’ll do some yoga for FUN.

But probably not, since my back is in spasm and my hip is out of place.

The Journey I Didn’t Sign Up For (TBT even though it’s Friday)


That up there is my first video from this channel. I recorded it over 2 years ago, when I experienced my second ever manic episode…that I can remember…due to medication.

This time was Azithromycin, aka Z-Pak. I don’t remember the other. It might have been the same. My brain has done a massive info purge and yet still feels full. Like a ghost town.

This is the beginning of my journey that I didn’t sign up for. Trouble is, no one signs up. It just happens and you have to deal with it. That’s what’s happening with me. I’ve been dealing with all of these separate symptoms that it took me well over two years to figure out they were all due to the same thing(s).

I’m actually hoping that with these posts that SOMEONE stumbles along the tags into my blog and that I can somehow help them figure it out faster.

If you want to watch the short playlist of videos I’ve made in two years, you can do that HERE.

Thank You, Namaste, and Good Luck.