Let me rephrase. I FEEL like I want to die. I don’t think I actually do, though. I think that one of my meds is making my brain turn against me, which means I need to get rid of that medicine.
I am not normally a happy person. I’m a realist; I say what’s on my mind, usually the truth no one wants to hear.
Right now, though, I’m feeling very much like a fatalist.
I’ve been feeling Off for the past couple of weeks, and I’ve had two days so far where everything is TOO MUCH to deal with, and every worry I could ever have comes to the surface and ends with me sobbing all day through work.
Today is one of those days.
I’ve been crying over my dog (what happens to me if I die, and vice versa), my job (which is kind of in danger and I have absolutely no marketable skills other than selling booze), where I’m going to live in the future, getting a house with a yard for my dog….Pretty much everything.
My anxiety is through the roof right now and I have LOST my anti-anxiety meds. Yes, LOST a brand new prescription, which means I’ll have to go see my doctor to get a new prescription. Normally, that’s no problem, but I have anxiety about DRIVING as well, and my doctor isn’t in town, but 15 miles away, which is approximately a 30 minute drive (on back roads, because I cannot drive the highway with this anxiety). So I’m freaking out about that, too. So no meds to take care of that which is being caused by another med until I can get to the place that can give me meds. Make sense?
So I have to wait a few more days to get this taken care of. I had a buddy help me out with some Ativan, and that started to make me feel normal, for about 3 days. But I can’t ask someone else with anxiety to give up their meds for me, not when they need them as well.
I just have to wait, and hope that I can make it through these few days, hope that I can stop bawling over my dog, the future, nothing, everything, and hope that I can stop being afraid of all of this stuff.
This is what is happening with me right now. I am aware, I [mostly] KNOW what is wrong right now. But that doesn’t make it any better. I’m trying to breathe and get through this, and there are people who have offered their emotional support, and I am so so SO blessed (yes, blessed) to have these people in my corner.
So thanks for understanding what’s going on with me. If you don’t see much from me, this is why.