Not in the Mood

I’m having a bad night. As the title suggests, I am NOT in the mood for much of anything tonight. I’m cranky, sad, tense, and not feeling well in general. I have an early day tomorrow, so I’m writing this blog and then I am going to go lie down with a movie. Possibly a notebook to sketch out chapter 5 before I pass out, but we’ll see.

I am sad. I feel REALLY sad. I’m angry. I hate not being able to be in control. I hate how things have to be. I am not altogether displeased with the status quo, I just wish I could take care of things without stressing out, and with a little help.

Help is something else I have sacrificed in my race to survive. If I can’t do it/get it/take care of it on my own, then that’s it. It doesn’t happen.

Anyway…
I didn’t get much done last night until after I logged off. I took a notebook with me to bed and wrote part of Chapter 4.
I just input that work into the computer. That got me 393 words.

I kept going for just a little bit longer so that I could have SOMETHING to show for this evening. Tonight I added 371 more words. Hopefully I can at least get one more little scene out of the way by longhand. After all, tomorrow is the 31st, and it’s time to see what I got accomplished in this past month, and set some new goals for September.

But for now, I am going to find something that won’t put me in an even more rotten mood, maybe even to help lift the mood.

But I’m not holding my damn breath.

No Clever Title Tonight, Sorry

Yeah, sorry about that. Not feeling too clever this evening. My body is acting weird. It might have been all the pudding and soup I’ve been eating, but I have no idea what is happening.

I haven’t been able to concentrate on my WiP tonight, mostly because of that, so focused on finishing one of my favorite books for the second time this week, to try to grasp how a “real” romance GREAT handles tension, sexual and otherwise, how she gets two people who rub each other the wrong way, to finally rub each other the RIGHT way(sorry again).

This book is Vows by LaVyrle Spencer. This is one of my FAVORITE all-time books out of ANY genre, one that I will be including on my countdown, should I ever actually locate my list.

It’s the story of a man who comes to town(in the late 1800s) to set up his life, having just left behind a woman who broke an engagement to marry an older, wealthier man. His heart is broken, his soul is in mild need of repair. So he’s starting over in this new town, and among the first few people he meets is the daughter of his soon-to-be business rival(who actually welcomes him with open arms). He actually mistakes the daughter for a young boy, as she is dressed in pants while working in a barn. He calls her “young fellow,” and sets her off.
She dislikes him immediately for mistaking her for a boy, and also on behalf of her father, whose business she fears might be in trouble because of him. Her best friend and soon to be fiance both welcome him into the community, while Emily(MFC)continues to dislike the newcomer, Tom.

They shoot sparks off one another, boy do they. At first, it’s because Emily feels she can’t stand Tom, but soon we realize that it’s their chemistry popping up between them.

LaVyrle Spencer is RIDICULOUS at how well she describes how they feel and act and react to one another, and how they deal with the tension between them, and then, once they figure out what is happening, what happens with their best friends, who they feel they are pretty much betraying.

I am no LaVyrle Spencer. There is only one.

I’m fabulous at dialogue–that’s not arrogance, that is just what I’ve been told. I come from a theatre background, as a Stage Manager and a playwright, so the dialogue comes pretty easy for me. The description the surrounds the dialogue is incredibly difficult for me. Probably because I am not fully aware of my own surroundings.

If I were to describe my home, I would say it was cluttered and messy and chaotic. Those who are exceptional at describing the setting, etc, would be able to use all of their senses and describe what this place smells like, the fabrics covering the loveseat and table, what they hear when it’s dead silent around here. That stuff doesn’t FLOW for me. I have to CONCENTRATE really hard on that stuff, so I tend to leave all of that for last, after I’ve gotten all of the words I need to have on the page.

Ugh. I think I’m going to go put in a movie that might help, grab a notebook, and go lie in bed, and finish Chapter Four so that I can figure out what needs to happen in Chapter Five.

Seacrest out.

Sunday Night Merry Go Round

Sounds like a fun title, huh?
Yeah, I kind of feel like I’ve been going ’round and ’round on a merry go round, life swirling about, making me dizzy.

For some reason, I’m still not feeling up to snuff today. I slept fairly late and was still pretty groggy when I “came to life” about 5PM CST. I spent most of the day lazing about, watching the River Song collection(she is a total badass)and wondering what kind of shenanigans Lady Gaga was going to get up to at the VMAs.

I was also trying to figure out Chapter Four. It took until about…oh, ten PM to actually realize, Oh, THIS is how I can segue into this scene, and then closer to midnight is when I got started. I didn’t do very much, but I got the beginning of the scene down. Now I think I need to shift from one character POV to another, something I don’t think I’m very good at doing.

Really, I just write what pops into my head. As my college and writing buddy Anne told me(waaaaaaay before Lady Gaga said it), I need to honor my vomit. I am working on it.

It really does seem like a whole bunch of vomit that dribbles onto the page. Some of it works, some of it doesn’t, but at least there’s a placeholder until I find something that does work. Hey, it’s the roughest draft ever, I’m ALLOWED.

Like I said, I didn’t get much done tonight. 247 words, to be precise. Perhaps I can get Chapter Four done tomorrow, and then get on to figure out what Chapter Five is supposed to be about, b/c Chapter Six is ready to go…I think.

This is a pretty fun exercise, and I guess it’s helped draw a couple of others out, too. Yay for Molly doing her first sprint!!! It DOES feel nice to get some words on paper, doesn’t it.

So she’s writing. I’m writing. We’re all writing!

Another Saturday Night

Gonna keep this one short. I need to go rewatch the new episode of Doctor Who so I can figure out what just happened. Also, I haven’t seen the new Torchwood, either.

And I have to figure out where my inspiration for a fictional engagement party is going to come from.

And also, how much I should actually be feeding these goldfish, b/c they sure are acting like they are starving. I’m pretty sure that I’m going to kill them by overfeeding them, but it makes me sad when they go to the top of the bowl and act like they’re looking for food. I’m not sure if I need to initially sprinkle more food in, or do it more often, or what….It’s been a good decade-plus since my last fish (RIP Topogigo), and I can barely take care of myself, and cats hate me….I forget where I was going with this…

Oh, wait.

Ok. Jane Espenson hosted a writing sprint tonight. I got 908 words churned out tonight, effectively finishing Chapter Three. Now. I have to figure out what Chapter Four will be bringing. I do believe it should be an engagement party, or perhaps something leading up to it…

But that isn’t for me to figure out right this very minute. Maybe my brain will unwind it once it’s put itself back together after the whole “Let’s Kill Hitler” thing.

So, it’s Saturday night, after a dental visit, and I feel fine. A little lonely, but fine. Doctor Who has given me some laughs and tears, and Jane Espenson helped me sit down and find words, and a Twitter buddy gave me a label I don’t mind too much having, but it’s making me think I’ve got to be on the straight and narrow…Yeah, right. But more on that later.

It’s Saturday night, and I have felt like writing. What a shock.

Friday, Friday, Gotta Get Down on Friday

And which seat did I take? The dentist chair, of course.
Ugh.
Long story short, it wasn’t as bad as I was freaking out about. The money I had to pay was the worst part, actually. I’m feeling …Okish…But right now, I am terribly exhausted.
BUT I DID get 203 words done for Chapter….Four? Three? Whichever chapter it is that I was working on. I didn’t think I’d get ANYTHING done, so I’m doing a-ok.

I’m sleepy, so maybe it’s bedtime, rather movie time til I fall asleep. Hopefully I’ll still feel ok tomorrow so I can work some more. Maybe I’ll get some inspirational dreams tonight.

Oh, yeah, and by the way, I got a couple of goldfish today(it was my one desire once the gas wore off.) I think I’m calling them Amy and Roranicus Pond. Because I’m a nerd.

And The Award Goes To….(Liebster Award)

My blog was recently nominated as a blog of note for the Liebster Award…

I am very honored to receive this accolade, and even more honored I get to bestow it upon others.

I would like to thank Stevie (aka @theglitterlady), co-Book Country addict and fellow writing enthusiast, for nominating me for this award. I haven’t had this much good publicity and recognition in a very long time! Thanks for that!

There’s a lot of positive vibes and fun located on Stevie’s blog. Plenty of things to challenge yourself, whether it be the new Tuesday Tales contest or the upcoming September Dice challenge.  She has definitely opened up a new area of a writer’s life for me, that’s for sure.

To check out Stevie’s blog: http://glitterword.wordpress.com/
To check out the post where she nominated me for the Liebster Award: http://glitterword.wordpress.com/2011/08/22/liebster-award-blogs-of-note/

A part of accepting this badge is that I must pass it on to 3 to 5 other blogs with less than 200 followers. (I hope I’m working within these guidelines b/c I simply cannot figure out how to find the number of followers on these blogs.)

Rules of accepting the Liebster award are as follows:
1. Accept the award and thank the blogger who gave it to you.(Done)
2. Pass it to 3-5 blogs with less than 200 followers and tell them that they’ve received it.(in progress)
3. Link back to the person who gave it to you.(done)

1. @Natalie_Celeste Celeste    
http://symphonyofminds.blogspot.com/ : This is one of my Book Country homegirls. I enjoy her blog because it gives me things to giggle over and sympathize about. She gets real, and personal, unlike a lot of blogs out there, who put on a good face and act like everything is all shiny and hunky dory. I don’t want to read a blog where the author is being fake, unless that author is an actor, as it is their job to be fake.

2. @writertay
http://tmlunsford.wordpress.com/ Another Book Country buddy. I’m in love with her work on BC, and I do enjoy her blog a great deal. Not only is she always working on something fun, but one of her blog features is “Future Husband of the Week,” and this is something I really respond to, because I definitely agree with her choices.

3. @blackredsoxfan
http://loyalraidersfan.wordpress.com/ This fella is one of my Twitter buddies(who also happens to share a birthday with me) whose blog I just recently discovered. His straightforward writing style basically reflects his true personality. He’s straight up, doesn’t digress, and his writing definitely shows his sensitivity and his courage, and his strength. He’s just awesome.

4. @sincerelykylee
http://www.sincerelykylee.com This chickie is actually married to an ex-co worker of mine. I haven’t actually met her in person, but I was introduced to her blog via Facebook. First off, she and her husband have the skills to make the look of her blog warm and inviting and fun. Her posts range from finding the perfect notebook to beer and cocktail tastings she holds for her friends(and it’s way cool to see some familiar faces on that page!). I just wish she’d shop at my wine store…if she doesn’t already, that is.

5. @yoyoyuko
http://aroadtothedivine.wordpress.com
My final nominee is someone I went to college with, but didn’t get to know very well. What I do know is, she is one of THE most talented writers and actors I have had the fortune to know. I HAVE always known that she is probably THE most beautiful person in the universe. Everything she writes has the most beautiful poetic tone, whether it be experiences that are painful to her, or when she is writing about the theatre…She makes you FEEL her words, her tears, her joy. I am everlastingly grateful that I got to know her just a little bit.

This was a very difficult challenge for me. My brain was blocked…Who was I supposed to choose? A great many blogs I have run across are not worth a second look, but these… these are very important snapshots of these people’s lives. And these people are incredibly important to me. Now, it’s their turn to bestow this honor onto bloggers that they respect and adore. I hope it doesn’t prove too hard for them.

(PS. I’m fairly new to blogging, rather than journaling, so forgive me if I haven’t linked you all properly.)

Medical Leave

My nails are about done for.

I’m in the midst of a freak out regarding my dental appointment.

Original plan was to take care of an extraction on the top, both sides, involving gas. Yeah, not only can I not afford that, I can’t deal with not being able to chew on either side for two weeks. It would be a great weight loss plan, but no, that’s not how I want to do it.

Another dental issue decided to present itself, and now I have the choice to either get one normal extraction, on one side, with gas(hopefully), or to get a SURGICAL extraction, which requires me to undergo anesthesia.

Um. What? NO ONE told me about that. They sure did gloss over all of that my last appointment.

Me being under would require me to have a ride there and back. DUDE. The dentist is thirty seconds away from my apartment, but if the drugs they use are even remotely like the ones for the surgery I had on my neck(a surgery, which, I must say, I did NOT freak out about as much as I am right now, AND I even showed up by myself, with no one to wait for me)

I don’t HAVE anyone to give me a ride. A cab would be ridiculous. If I could figure out the bus…no, wait. STILL RIDICULOUS.
I don’t even have an emergency contact written down in my file.

It’s just me. Surviving independently.

Ok, wait. No, I had a couple of offers for a ride. One, from a sweet someone who is getting a bigger dental issue taken care of and I’m sure is going to be on narcotics that need to knock his ass out(I feel like a baby compared to him), and then another sweet soul I’ve known for just a few years, but barely know.

It’s very sweet of them.

And I’m not complaining about the lack of assistance in my life. I’m the one who dug my own hole/made my own bed, so I’m going to lie in it. I’d rather be on my own than have a bunch of crappy people, liars, around. I would probably have to beg for a ride, and I just don’t want the added stress of having to deal with assholes who would make me feel guilty for even asking for help.
So I don’t ask for help, and I won’t ask for help.
I SHOULD ask for help, but what reason do these people have to help me? I definitely don’t give them a good enough reason.

I think I’m just going to have to get some overpriced antibiotics to take care of the new flare-up that I can’t afford, and then just go with part of the original plan.

THIS SUCKS.

Folks, use me as a cautionary tale for your children who don’t want to brush their teeth. I have no back teeth anywhere, and what I DO have are tiny bits that have to be surgically removed. It’s a lovely horror story that will hopefully have them making good friends with their toothbrushes.

So, with all of this going on, I am NOT writing. I AM, however, about to lose my mind. Did I mention I have anxiety issues, panic attacks, and am prone to freaking out?

All that is happening. So if you don’t see much work from me this weekend, this is the reason why. I will do my very very best to get SOMETHING done, whether it be some blogs, or some new scenes for the August Romance that looks like it’s turning into a September Romance.

Yeah, I’m gonna go curl up in a fetal position in the corner until it’s all over.