December Guilt–Bah Humbug

…And I’m not just talking about the fact that I haven’t been able to get into the Christmas spirit this year. Really, there’s nothing to get excited about in my world. I work in retail and I have no family to speak of, and I have pretty much given up every other folk in my life, so by the time the day actually gets here, I’m going to be exhausted and want nothing to do with anyone.

But that’s not what I’m talking about.

It’s been several weeks, maybe just two or so, since I’ve worked on my story, “Cracks in the Sidewalk.”

But I’ve been EXHAUSTED. It’s not that I don’t WANT to work on it, I really do, but there are just some days/nights that it takes so much energy to pick up a pen to write a new scene I need, or even just sit here in front of the computer to THINK about writing a new scene I need.

I’ve not been LAZY, I don’t think. But my brain is freaking MUSH. The fact that I WANT to be working on this novel and that I’m jealous of everyone else who IS working makes me feel COMPLETELY GUILTY, even though I’m working my ass off at my day job. It’s just that….when I get home, I just want to eat something, watch tv and freaking veg.

And that makes me feel so guilty. Writing is supposed to eventually be my ticket to…whatever is next. I’m not saying that writing is going to be my ticket out of this hell I’ve put myself in, but it might make it easier to set bigger goals.

I don’t know what I’m saying. Like I said, my brain is mush. Too much worrying, too much sadness, not enough hope or Christmas spirit.

Maybe not enough intoxicating substances to pretend.

Bleh humbug.

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SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!!!

Yeah, that was a bit annoying. Especially since it is now Monday.

I love Sundays. I work in a wine shop in Oklahoma, so we are required by law to be closed on Sundays, so it’s nice to have one static day off that I can count on.

But not today. I was too exhausted to do much of anything except for watch really bad made for tv Christmas movies. I woke up and sat myself in front of the computer to try and get some work done.

I could barely life my eyes to the screen. I’m still feeling this way.

I AM SO EXHAUSTED. I am close to crying. That could be the hormones, but hey, that’s another story. It’s after midnight here, so I COULD just go to bed.

BUT I DON’T WANNA.

I put in Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl, hoping that it might inspire me to get some stuff done.

It’s not worked all that well. I’ve got a tiny bit of chapter 4 reworked, but I just can’t keep my mind on it. I keep wanting to go lie down and watch this movie, maybe fall asleep on my tiny little loveseat and then go to bed for real.

But I’ve got NOTHING done. I need to feel SOMEWHAT productive today. oh, but I don’t think I’m gonna make it. I just marked my place and shut down my document.

Ok, I’ve lost the fight today. I’m off again on Tuesday, so I’ll have more time tomorrow night to decide whether or not I want to work.

Please send all the good vibes you’ve got. Working retail during the holidays wears a body out.

A Return to…*Kanye Shrug* Words and Stuff/We Were On A Break

It’s nearly 2 am on December 6. I have done virtually NOTHING in regards to my WiP, which is now called “Cracks in the Sidewalk.”

I’m at the fine-tooth-combing portion of the whole shebang, which, once I can really get going, will be awesome for the story.

I needed a break even though I really wanted to keep trudging on. I’ve been working on this story since August 1.

I fear this break is detrimental. Now I don’t want ANYTHING to do with this story, and am REALLY wanting to go on to other projects.

BUT I CAN’T.

I absolutely MUST see this one through to the end. I am so close to the Finish line that I can see it.

But I look at the words on the page and can’t figure out what to do with them. It’s like looking at the math section of the ACTs or SATs and you’re trying to find out what x equals.

I fear my muse has gone on Christmas vacation already. Lame. I really wanted this one to be mostly taken care of by the first of the year. I guess it still can, if I work my ass off…But I’m already working my ass off at my job-job. It’s our busy time of year right now, and that leaves little time for just resting.

Sure, it’s nearly 2 am. I COULD be working right now.

But I’m not.

For some reason, I haven’t been able to sleep very well, lately. 4 am has been my bedtime for a bit, now, but I still can’t get my brain to function enough to string some sentences together and edit this mess.
Then, when I DO get to sleep, I wake up with just enough time to down a Dr. Pepper to wake up while I’m watching One Life to Live before it’s time to go to work. Then I’m stressed out at work. I come home, eat, and mess about on the net.

Twitter has taken up a lot of time I could be using to write.

But like I said, I needed a break. Hopefully I can get my ass in gear and get four or five little paragraphs down so I can move through Chapter Freaking Three tomorrow.

Wish me luck!